40 OUNCE TASTE TEST
by Winston

It was a Tuesday night and me and da three of us: Knapsack, Moondog, and me — Winston had just settled in for da night beneath the underpass of the intersection of routes 42 and 188W. Tonight was to be a special night 'cause we had commissioned ourselves to finally put to rest some of the hearsay in the malt liquor community regardin' who was da best and who was da worst. I spent my entire day's wages that I had received from begging outside of da 7-11 on a fine variety of malt liquor in da 40 ounce bottles.

THE TASTERS:
Winston	Moondog	Knapsack

Earlier dat night I stole a shopping cart from Santiago's Market and stacked all da 40s in it and rolled the booze down to the bridge. I thought it was funny 'cause normally I use that cart for pickin' up da empty bottles outta the trash 'n shit. Dis time was diff'nt.

I distributed all da 40s amongst us and gave Knapsack and Ol' Moondog a napkin and a pen to write down their comments about da malt liquor. See I'm fixin' on writin' a book as soon as I finish learnin' how ta read. Its gonna be all about da 40s and be 40 pages long. Real creative 'n shit! Bet you wish you thought o' that. Don't try stealin dat idea or I'll come lookin' for ya. Well here are da results or our test. Many thanks to the folks at Easy Midget for translatin' our napkins and our conversations into this fine piece of science!

STEEL RESERVE:

Moondog: The first sip went down smooth as gin, but with a kick. I thought damn! Dis is 8.1% alcohol and only a dollar-fitty. Dis is da bargain!

Knapsack: Boy, we gonna be sailin' the seven seas now!

Winston: Whoo boy dis stuff is strong. I think they call it "Steel Reserve" cause it cleans out yo insides like steel wool.

Moondog: Yeah Winston, steel is like a real strong metal and dat's why they call it that.

Winston: Ah shit dat's why they call it dat? Shit. I saw the name I thought they wanted me to steal it. So I stole dat shit. Then I reserved it in my jacket.

MICKEY'S:

Knapsack: Yeah dogg! Mickey's— the widemouth. That shit's got a bee on the label and it stings boy. It stings.

Moondog: Mickeys reminds me of Mickey Mouse and dat shit reminds me of Walt Disney. Walt Disney got frozen and shit and there's nuttin quite like a tasty cold Mickeys.

Knapsack: I was honored to drink a 40 that honors Mickey Mantle and all the money he spent on the liquor industry.

Winston: Word. The thang about Mickeys is dat sometimes its got like chunks of shit floatin around in it. I don't know what they is but they go down smooth. Maybe they is chunks of Mickey Mantle's liver. Straight up.

PRIVATE STOCK:

Moondog: Oh boy I ain't ever had enough money to buy stocks. I think if I would ever buy stocks I would invest in Fruit of the Loom underwear. I been wearin' the same pair since last Christmas and they still holdin' up strong.

Knapsack: Def'nitely. I agree wit what you was sayin' about the underwears. Yeah wit a name like Private Stock it feels like we is drinkin' a vintage collection!

Moondog: I heard when they excavated the Titanic they pulled up bottles of Private Stock from the ocean floor. That shit is for rich folks!

Winston: Nah, Moondog, you is getting your thoughts mixed up. You was walkin' by the pier yesterday and threw a bottle of that shit into the ocean. Then you got all crazy and jumped in after it.

Moondog: Oh yeah. Dat's right I realized there was still a sip left in dat bottle after I threw it! I got all wet 'n shit in the water.

ST. IDES:

Winston: Check this: Saint Ides ain't even a real saint but I sho' felt like I be punished fo' my sins after I drank half da bottle!

Moondog: Dat's right boyee! Mother Teresa's is gonna become a saint some day but I'll tell you dat Saint Ides done more for me then that dead old nun ever did.

Knapsack: Straight up!

CRAZY HORSE:

Knapsack: Yo dis is some real insultin' shit to the Indians. It implies that Native Americans are like alcoholics or something. Well I know that ain't true. My good friend Tonto is an Indian and he drinks Aquanet Hairspray and this clear stuff called "Isopropyl". That don't sound like alcohol to me boy!

Moondog: Word, Knapsack. Dat shit is insultin just like how that team in Washington is insultin' to tha Indians too. da Washington Wizards. Dat shit's fucked up boy.

COLT 45:

Winston: I remember da commercials that Billy Dee Williams used to do. That is one smooth guy. I always liked dat mustache of his.

Moondog: I hear dat! Someday when I finally get 'round to shaving I think I'm gonna leave da mustache part on my face to be like Billy Dee.

Knapsack: Yo Colt 45 is a drink that gets the ladies. This is da only 40 I take outta the brown bag when I drink it so the women get a look at da label. It pulls bitches for sure.

OLDE ENGLISH:

Moondog: I think they shoulda named dis shit Broken English, cause I couldn't understand what Knapsack was saying while he was gurgling and throwing up. I think he was saying "call an ambulance" or some shit now that I think back. Shit. Well, he survived.

Knapsack: Yo I went out an' bought some crumpets to go wit' dis shit cause I thought it was for English people 'n shit.

Winston: Those weren't no crumpets Knapsack! They was Twinkies!

Knapsack: Dat's right! and they was goo-ood!

SCHLITZ BLUE BULL:

Winston: Yo dis bottles got a bull on it. I felt like I had the hoof and mouth disease after dis shit yo. All the symptoms I read about on drkoop.com matched up wit what I gots besides the bleeding anus. I don't got that yet.

Knapsack: Uhh- speaking of da bull, I haven't felt this bad since I ate 22 rocky mountain oysters all in one sittin. That was a bad day.

Moondog: I don't care what you fools say about dis I still liked it wit my breakfast. Schlitz just sounds like a 40 you is to drink for breakfast.

Well. There you have it, friend. We hope that dis was helpful fo' you so's the next time you got a sock full of pennies an' you need to get cold-cocked you know to get just what the doctor ordered! Why don't ya come hang out down by da bridge with us some day. We's always throwin back and havin' a good time!